Passing moments

If I'm aware enough to know
I would say this is a beautiful distraction
And so are you

Eyes wide open

It's when our brain says I've had enough

My thoughts can't reproduce, these thoughts turn to dust

When our guilt fades away and we are active on our team

In loving ourself despite the demons who demean

Take all the broken pieces of what depreciation creates

Toss them in the water let the waves carry them away

Be your own best friend and let the picture die and end

Never will be perfectly spoken so keep your eyes open

climb out of there

Loud and clear, I got a simple message today.

"When nothing's going right, go left."

Without fail, my life has taken another topsy turvy for the worse and I have been a horrible emotional rollercoaster for the last month, which escalated to the most excruciating stomach problems this week. But thank God, it's done, it's over, I am now a new butterfly.

My soul and my body communicate very effectively, leaving my ego out of the equation for most of it. Me and my earthly self go about life, trying to chase this illusion, finding ourselves to be in the most uncomfortable cramped spaces. I CAN'T FIT! is what I keep hearing my ego yell at me. I just cannot seem to find my place among what I see.

After a beautiful rain that has allowed me to ponder and relax (along with the stomach problems leaving), I have found my answer. AN INDIVIDUALLY FASHIONED LIFE. I don't mean to be the typical nerd who gives up when I can't fit in, but, it's how I feel. I am just Done. I spent so much of my life following, modeling, learning from others, and desiring. I thought the goal was to "live like" successful people and I would be successful. I cannot try to be someone else, and most of all, I have be OKAY WITH IT. Okay with letting go. Okay with moving into my own space and possibly losing everything I am afraid is holding me together. Structures, illusions, and outdated attachments. So now I know what that all means...

So, I say now, "TO INFINITY AND BEYOND". An individually fashioned lifestyle is what we all really need, but don't forget to help and be helped by your tribe because we get nowhere without a little help from our friends.

Just Friends

Take all of the small details of your face, mix it with my face, and this is the beautiful boy I can imagine in my future. My future is a boy who plays with legos, strums on a guitar, and tracks mud throughout the house. Take the small details of my body, mix it with your body, and that is the beautiful girl I imagine in my future. She does flips into the pool, makes spaghetti with grandma, and writes love letters to boys. These children run through my head. These children have names and beds. But we are only friends.

It wasn't your choice, for the dog to come home. It was my choice, for the kittens too. We are going on vacation, to a better place. Our house is being remodeled, I bought antiques and lace. We are just friends.

Dear Romance Gods

What crazy place you have brought me. A woman who cares so much for love to have such tumultuous affairs. It's crazy to think that I ever expected this to be easy! What part of love is simple. Hasn't it created a million or trillion lifetimes of literature, film, plays, psychosis, art, countries falling apart, law, jobs for people like furniture salesman and lingerie. Lube and de-lube medication. Why did I think that my analytical mind could put my love life into a box and compartmentalize all my future interactions, moments, and emotions? What part of Romeo and Juliet did you think was beautiful. It was a tragedy. Nicholas Sparks can't even paint us a perfect picture of love, despite all his southern idealism. We all know that with a hooked attraction to something that we will be lead down a doomed road to a potentially fatal misunderstanding and disappointing reappearance of our childhood friend "agony". Again the self-pity convinces us that we are somehow flawed in our intuition, or being punished for bad romance karma. You know, it's like we asked for this seeming injustice by our misinterpretation of the Secret. We failed at thinking positively, probably because of the seven-thousand previous failures. It's probably something wrong with our core belief systems. This must be a past-life problem, yes. Or a residual mission unrealized by our childhood dramas, or my mother's love story "take 2." Angel therapy, cord-cutting, rituals, and wine. Life-coaching, pyscho-analyzation, dream interpretation. Establish self-worth, learn boundaries, devotion to a higher power. What brings us closer to believing that we can be flawless in love is the same very poison that allows bigger shock of failure. Confusion makes us study our life patterns and we again go at it from different angle. And then, we are shocked when we fall in love and nothing goes wrong. There must be something wrong. And then you get a horrible disease that takes over the rest of your life and love is not the drama anymore. Welcome to Earth.

failure unawares

The world has a plan for me that is beyond my understanding

It has given me a roadmap to both love and tragedy

Bliss is not the purpose for our lifetime

Pain is not something we can avoid

The angels told me to listen to them

I took their cues and followed their signs

Magic was enticing me

And magic brought me down

How hard do we need to pound this gold

Am I not shiny enough

Let this cycle be done with already

I am over your lessons

Project Avalon

So, I am beginning an artist movement in myself, and it is called Project Avalon. 

This is the my first poem that I will give to Project Avalon. This poem is not one to represent my life, or to represent what this project means to me. This is about my frustration with love, and how much I have lost faith in that whimsy picture that occupies my mind's eye. I am going to use my pain, and give myself credit for the emotions I feel strongly.

Lifetimes of the same

Turned around by passions lost

Found lost lovers and love embossed

On the soul of a romantic, tree-leaf hunter

Writing prayers to cupid in the nights of winter

Cinderella took part in the hearts descent

Down to the river to pray and repent

For the only guilt has been of hoping

The biggest fault was self-blame and groping

For all the love of men we ever met

All the innocent girls that went

Taken by romance idealized

These tales they wrote stole my presence realized

From words and senses I have built my heart

Single-malt and bitters tear it apart

Roasted chicken, wine, cheese and herbs

Asshole's deception of love with empty words

Feathers in the pillows of lavender lust

Tears tumbling from lifetimes, energetic trust

In the intuition of a reincarnated ambition

Warrior rage at another path of deception